The Devil with in....

Is the Crazy voice inside my head a representation of who I am? or Is it just me introspecting!!!!

The beginning
It starts in the brain, you think you are invincible, every passing moment of your life, the smallest particle of the biggest missile, it cannot hit you. You have the power... in fact you are the power, to create, destroy, recreate and throw away. Life is a cake walk, everyone else is wrong, you are right... in fact you are PERFECT, you have the might and the will to do anything, get as many girls you want, have as much drugs you want and it would never ever have the slightest impact on your life......

but then reality strikes and the dream is over...

you spend three years in rehab, your body is broken in many places, the doctors fight to put you back together, its painful, its bloody, its agonizing, you fight for your worth day in and day out, physiotherapy, medicines, more medicines, injections, more injections, pills, lots of them, you eat more pills than your food. Its endless, goes on forever, will it ever end.... and finally it does.....

The body knows no bound for the pain it shuts it out if it has too much of it, what happens later.... the psychotic brain it creates images day in and day out of things you have never seen, fear you have never felt. Pain uh... what was that. You are taken over by a desire to have more want more and achieve more out of life. But its not that easy... you are bound by the realities of life.....

The question still remains.... after fighting for so long and hard, it still does not feel that I have reclaimed my life.... how the hell do I do it?

The Present
Does the presence of a specific individual make a life/death of a difference in your life. How can this happen that the pain inflicted to other is felt by you. I never knew that I would let my guard down in front of someone so fast and so low that I really feel I could be struck down by a single blow.

Why if life so freakin tough, all you ever want is more, you want a bigger car, a better house, more love, more respect, or is it that you need none of these things. You just want peace of mind. A serene environment with a cup of coffee and a beautiful landscape to look at. I probably have lived half of my good life already and what's left in the remaining half simply amazes me and makes me feel overawed as to what will happen next.

I know..... All "I" want is peace of mind and nothing else.... rest all that I do is for other people in my life.... Given a choice I would leave everything here and move to some remote place with the least of civilization and be happy there....

But, that is one choice I will never get to make!!!

Ironical, I thought it was supposed to be my life......